Traveling Alone

I have been traveling by myself in Europe for exactly 8 weeks now. If I had to describe my experience in one word, I couldn't. It's been all at once exhilarating, empowering, challenging and exhausting. I haven't written in a while for a few reasons; one being that I am typing on a tiny iPhone, but moreover, I've had a million things to say and not a clue where to begin. So I guess I'll start at the obvious point; Yoga.My yoga practice has taken on a different form lately. I'm off the mat for longer than I have been in years. My yoga now is a matter of putting into practice all of the fundamentals of grounding, centering, internal focus, presence, breath work and equanimity in order to support myself in this mind-bending, heart-melting emotional stew that I've thrown myself into. As I bounce from one place to the next, I seek to find stability. With conditions constantly changing, I seek to find the center of stillness within me. Within the comfortable din of a language that I don't understand, I draw my attention inward to better understand myself. In the moments of fatigue, frustration, and overwhelming emotion, I find myself taking deeper breaths. I am using the tools of yoga to create contentment in my life now, which is a far cry from where I was 2 or even 4 months ago.It hasn't been easy in a lot of ways. I feel odd writing this, as if I should censor myself and instead paint for you a picture of quaint cobblestone alleys lined with flower merchants and cafés, magical markets stocked with fresh fruits and vegetables, heaps of olives and dates and every variety of cheese that you can imagine. The smell of sautéed garlic, lots of local fish and meat and wine found among centuries old architecture, with views of the Mediterranean just around the next corner. And maybe these are the kinds of things you want to hear, and I certainly don't blame you, it is a beautiful picture. But even as I experience the beauty of all of these things, I am simultaneously experiencing a deep loneliness, sadness, and confusion.I considered keeping this from you, perhaps as an egoic attempt to preserve the likely unrealistic picture you may have in your head about me and my journey, but I have made a commitment to the truth. I've made a commitment to be truthful in my own life, to seek the truth in others, and as a teacher, I've made the commitment to deliver truth to my students. And the truth is that I'm struggling. I'm struggling with my shyness and my insecurities, my inabilities, my ego. Sometimes all I can do is sit down and cry. I write this not as a sob story designed to gain sympathy, but to remind myself that it's ok to feel grief and frustration and pain and tiredness. And it's ok for you to see me in these perhaps unsavory states, because they are all on the psychic and emotional spectrum of a whole human being. In this truth, I remember that we are all things at all times, and those of you who really know me, know that I embody this truth.I've had more opportunity now than I ever have had before to really be with these aspects of who I am. But I see them, and I get to know them and I try to be kind to myself about them. I get lost in the streets and explore the markets by myself. I make jokes to myself about myself. I have only myself to rely on, to blame, to be with. But even in the most frustrating, exhausting and lonesome moments, I know that I'm not alone in my struggle. Because even if we are surrounded by friends and family and familiarity, we are all just trying to navigate the intricate, sometimes unintelligible maps of our own hearts and minds. And that, my friends, is not an easy journey to take.

JFK to MAD

I just bought a one-way ticket to Spain. It’s not the first one-way ticket I’ve ever bought, but it’s the biggest. When I explain to people what I am doing, this little bit of information is the bit that gets the point across. The point being that I am really going, by myself, to foreign lands, with no return date. More often than not, the explanation of my plan (which is a term used VERY loosely) is met with joy and curiosity.In the light of my impending departure, I have been reflecting on my life and what it is that has brought me to this pivotal point in my life. At an age where most of my peers are married with children, I seemed to have dodged most typical responsibilities, other than the responsibility to my own self, my own happiness and my own freedom. This isn’t something that just happened to me, I have spent the last 5 years of my life fiercely cultivating my independence, my self-reliance and my personal sense of freedom. I have made a commitment to move through fears, and break the boundaries of societal expectations that had, in the past, been holding me back from truly living my dream.Personal freedom is a topic that very much interests me. As a practitioner of yoga and meditation, I know that the word ‘freedom’ is a conception with room for interpretation, rather than a concrete notion. To view personal freedom as a state of mind might implicate that we have the choice to view our lives as a prison, and actively participate as a prisoner, and conversely, have the choice to view our lives as a world of infinite possibilities, and actively pursue this freedom.Although, I do not believe that personal freedom and conventional American life are mutually exclusive, I do realize that I am in a very unique position to be able to do what I am doing. Most often, people tell me that I am taking “ the trip of a lifetime.” I do not take this for granted. I have come to realize, that because I have chosen to share my journey with others (via this blog), my responsibility to live life to the fullest and to savor every moment is that much greater. I would like to think that I am not traveling on some whimsical, frivolous self-indulgence, but rather traveling for the ones who may not have the practical freedoms I have been blessed with. I am now traveling for those of you who are deeply imbedded in family life, those of you who may be stuck in the grind right now, and those of you that might be ill or infirmed.It is my wish that my journey might ignite a sense of freedom in your own heart, and that you may find a little inspiration to make a leap in your own life. To find a reason to break the chains, or to release the fears of the mind that may be holding you back from taking your own “trip of a lifetime”, even if that is simply a journey deeper into your truth, to define your own sense of personal freedom.“When the body is released from the shackles of disease, and when the mind is free from the shackles of fears, then the intellect is ever alert, ever active. In this activity alone, there is creativity. In this creativity alone there is freedom. In this freedom alone, there is precision. In this precision alone, there is God. All that is truth.”-BKS Iyengar