Redemption, and the Importance of Self-Care
I had the opportunity recently to give a talk to a room of about 50 women on a the topic of Self-Care. It was a flop. I was a flop.As a yoga instructor, massage therapist, meditation practitioner and teacher, as an herbalist with a line of organic first-aid and beauty products, you’d think that giving a presentation on this topic would be an easy task for me. You’d think that as a person whose vocation, passion, and career revolves around the very practice of self-care, that I might have a lot to say about the subject, but, well... I’m not sure what happened. I walked up to the stage, looked out at my audience, and completely blanked out. I think I summarized my most poignant points in a matter of the first 2 sentences out of my mouth and then I had nowhere go. I fumbled my way through the next 15 minutes, stuttering out some patchwork of misquotes, repeating previous points all while gripping the pencil written notes I had scribbled on a paper torn from a spiral notebook not an hour prior to the speech. I never once looked at the notes, not that they would have done me any good. I was ill prepared, to say the least.I spent the rest of the day lamenting my embarrassing display of incompetence, wishing that I would have said this, or remembered to say that. Hindsight may be 20/20, but it sure is a bitch. So, instead of indulging any further in self-loathing or embarrassment, I thought I would wrap all of those woulda/coulda/shoulda's into some sort of redemption speech, presented to you by way of this blog.As women we are natural care-givers. I find that typically, we give everything we have to our careers, our relationships and our families, but when it comes to ourselves, we tend to be more neglectful. We believe that it is somehow selfish to care for ourselves as we would care for others, or maybe we feel that we just don’t have the time to do so. My métier emphasizes the importance of taking good care of one’s self, and I’d love to inspire more women to change their relationship to the word “selfish”, and remember that self-care is not exactly the same thing.Self-care can help to replenish a depleted energetic “bank account”. In Chinese Medicine there are the concepts of Prenatal Chi, and Acquired Chi. Prenatal Chi is the life force energy we are born with, and it is a combination of our parents’ Chi at conception as well as the life force energy of our mothers while in utero—her nutrition, and general wellbeing. It is said that we use up most of our Pre-Natal Chi by the time we are 30. But thankfully, we also have Acquired Chi, which is the life force energy we gain from the moment of our birth until the day of our death. Acquired Chi is developed though our diets, lifestyles, and healthy habits, and is depleted by poor nutrition, all forms of stress, and illness. It is vital to our health to acquire as much chi as possible to maintain a vibrant and healthy life.When we talk about replenishing a depleted bank account, Acquired Chi is what I am referring to. The energy we put into the various aspects of our life, can feel like making withdrawal after withdrawal, and can lead to the dreaded overdraft, coming in the form of exhaustion, break-down, illness, or even resentment. Self-care is like making deposits into our Chi account, making sure we have enough in the bank to freely expend the energy our lives require.The following are few ways we can give back to ourselves on the daily, weekly, monthly and even yearly basis. Keep in mind that the small, consistent acts of self-care can seem insignificant, but can have the greatest return in the long run.Daily:1) Start Meditating."You should sit in meditation for 20 minutes a day, unless you are too busy, then you should sit for an hour." -Old Zen sayingWhen I talk with people about meditation, some say, “That sounds nice, but my mind doesn’t work that way. I’m too analytical, I don’t like sitting still. I can’t just turn my mind off like that.” Or, like in the quote above, “I don’t have time for that”. There are a lot of misconceptions floating around about meditation, such as it is a way to turn off the mind, or transcend our current reality into some blissed out state of being. It most certainly is not that, in my experience. Meditation is a way to change our relationship to our thoughts, our pain, our embarrassment, our feelings of unworthiness, our grief. Meditation trains us to be a witness to these states of being, not a victim of them. It is a way to train the body and the mind to be able to sit with discomfort, and remember that this discomfort is in fact the very thing that connects us to the present moment, as well as to our fellow human beings.Even 5 minutes of sitting still and observing the breath can have a profound effect on the body and mind. Meditation is a cumulative practice, the results seen over long periods of time, it is not a quick fix.To begin a meditation practice, find a quiet place to sit. Nothing fancy, just prop yourself up on a pillow or even sit in a chair. Make your spine long, let go of unnecessary movement, and relax. Set your timer for 2 minutes to begin with. As you start the timer, just become aware of your body sitting on the earth or in the chair and feel how your breath moves through you. If the mind is racing (it probably will be) simply observe that, just as if it’s happening to someone else. Anytime you realize that you are lost in thought, simply come back with an intentional breath. After some practice with this, up your time to 5, 10, 20 minutes.Attend my upcoming Meditation Mini-Retreat in March2) Start a gratitude journal.The practice of gratitude is the simplest, most satisfying way of replenishing a depleted heart. It is a simple and direct way of accessing the present moment. Find a blank journal, and jot down 5 things you are grateful for today. They don’t have to be big-deal things, just some thing that evokes the real and genuine sense of gratitude in your heart. The added beauty of this practice is that after a few months of gratitude journaling, you get to look back on all the things that sparked the feeling of gratitude within you and feel the joy this brings you, even after the moment has passed.3) Add a special product to your daily beauty routine.Taking care of our skin, not only makes us look better but it really does make us feel better as well. Radiant skin comes from within, but it doesn’t hurt to take good care of the outside, too! Adding a high quality, natural and organic product to your daily regimen can be a guiltless way to treat yourself right on a daily basis. Might I suggest Herban Myth Botanicals Beauty Oil? It has an instantly calming effect on the nervous system and a rich herbal scent. The flowers infused in this beauty oil are selected for their soothing essence, anti-inflammatory properties, and skin regenerating and healing qualities. You can feel good about what you are putting on your skin without breaking the bank.4) Make your bed and DRINK MORE WATER.Doing something as small and seemingly insignificant as making the bed everyday can actually have profound affect on your mood and mentality, and even set the tone for the rest of your day. It’s the first small success of the day, and it can and should be celebrated! When you get to the end of a long day and get to crawl into a beautiful and tidy bed, it can actually boost your serotonin levels and help you sleep better. And as drinking more water, it’s a no-brainer. Water helps us to re-hydrate and cleanse our precious tissues. Why not live a little and add some lemon water to your daily morning routine? Lemon water is alkalizing and helps to maintain a healthy Ph balance, it aids and stimulates digestion, is jam packed with Vitamin C and other crucial minerals. People have been drinking lemon water medicinally since the 1400's. Your body will thank you for it.5) Ritualize itRitualizing one’s morning program or bedtime routine can be an easy way to care for one’s self. Whether it is doing things in a certain order or adding incense and candles, make your routines sacred by adding a bit of mindfulness and intention. Use the time it takes to brush your teeth as an opportunity to say a few daily affirmations to yourself, as an example. Self-love is the basis of self-care.Weekly6) Take a walk in the park with a friend.Autumn is a wonderful time to get out to your local park for a walk. Solo walks are wonderful too, but walking outdoors with a friend can help you feel connected and supported again, in a world where we often feel disconnected from each other, and nature. Walking with a friend is great for your body, (move it or lose it!), and it also nourishes the soul to spend time with people who truly love and care for us. Plan a weekly walk with a pal!7) Take a yoga class (or three).Not only is yoga an effective method of strengthening the body, helping with balance and flexibility, but it is an ancient form of preventative healthcare that affects the internal systems of the body- the nervous, endocrine, lymphatic, immune and cardiovascular systems to name a few. Yoga activates the systems that increase our health from the inside out. It supports the ever-important mind-body connection, bringing a sense of integration into our lives. Yoga is one of the best methods for cultivating life force energy (or Prana/Chi).The dedicated practice of Yoga leads the practitioner deep into her being. The yogi begins by first bringing her awareness to the body. She first becomes more sensitive to her muscles, joints and bones. With development, she becomes more aware of the organic body-- the visceral, the cellular, the energetic. As her practice grows she becomes acutely aware of all bodies, as well as the mind, giving her the ability to respond and intervene quickly when any imbalance is revealed. This is real health insurance.I started practicing yoga 20 years ago. It has gotten me through the inevitable times of anxiety, uncertainty, upheaval, transition, and grief. It has taught me strength of body and mind when all I wanted to do was break. It has taught me balance, in both diet and lifestyle, and both personally and professionally. And it has taught me flexibility, and to understand how and when to bend when I am feeling most rigid.There are a variety of different styles of yoga, ranging from gentle and restorative, to the more dynamic physical practices of vinyasa-- everyone should be able to find a class that suits their specific needs.To find a class that's right for you in Chico, CA, click here.8) Try at-home facial and body care.There are a million recipes online for DIY body care (keep your eyes peeled for an upcoming blog post on the topic by yours truly). Most ingredients for scrubs, soaks, and masks can be found in your very own kitchen. Try making a sugar and coconut oil scrub to polish your body, a clay or honey mask for your face, an herbal foot soak for tired feet or an epsom salt bath this week. Treating your body with care not only reinforces a quality of self-respect, but doing it yourself at home is empowering (not to mention totally affordable).Monthly9) Get a massage.Massage Therapy is hands down (pun intended) my favorite form of Self-Care. Not only will a skilled massage therapist help to work out the kinks, but like yoga, will also address the subtle body, bringing energetic blockages back into balance. We all know the importance of loving touch, yet somehow, I find that people are actually starving for connection. Oftentimes this desire for connection is sexualized unnecessarily, making it culturally challenging for us to even hug, or show any kind of loving touch to each other for fear of being misunderstood. Or the problem might be that we go looking for connection in the wrong places, which can lead to draining situations that leave us sapped of precious life force energy. However, we must never underestimate the healing power of compassionate touch. Book a massage today!10) Spend time alone in nature.Think of this as a mini vision-quest. Find some quiet place where you won't come across too many other people and take an hour to just sit and listen. Refrain from using technology as you do this. Be as close to the ground as possible, and simply observe the natural beauty of the world around you. The Earth is our Mother, our origin, from whence we came, and to which we will return. We are not separate from the Earth. Reconnecting to this source can help to give us some perspective on our lives and remind us that we are an intrinsic part of a much larger landscape than the technological world would have us believe.11) Unplug.Set a day aside each month to disconnect from technology altogether. We are starting to discover the penetratingly negative affect that social media and constant reliance on our devices can have on society, our psyche, and on our physical bodies. Take a break from always being reachable, validated or judged. Take the time to instead reconnect to the people closest to you, in a personal way, even if you don’t know them. Dinner with family, a walk with a friend, a nod, smile, or even a conversation with a total stranger can go a long way. To paraphrase Jack Kornfield, "Tend to the parts of your garden you can touch". Meaning, focus your energy on what's right in front of you. Otherwise, we risk being overwhelmed by exposure to too much information. We haven't yet evolved emotionally or physically to be able to process the amount of stimulation we subject ourselves to on a daily, hourly basis. Take a break.Yearly12) Go on retreat.Plan to attend a healing retreat, whether it is a yoga, meditation, or spiritual retreat of your choosing. This kind of intentional setting and complete disconnection from the daily grind can help to reaffirm your connection to Spirit and can charge the batteries for quite some time.13) Do a cleanse.Every Spring I do a cleanse. Cleanses can vary widely from a simple fast, to a juice cleanse, to Master Cleanse, a liver cleanse, colon cleanse, an elimination diet or even a spiritual “dieta” (the elimination of sugar, meat, oil, salt, spices, alcohol, and sex for a period of time), and can range from 1 day to several weeks. A clean-up of the diet can help to reset the body after a cycle of seasons. I find it to be especially beneficial in the springtime, after a winter of questionable eating, hibernation and high stress. Do your research and find the one that is right for you!14) Psychedelic reset.Using our entheogenic allies as an annual re-set can, and probably will be, the most profoundly shifting experience of all the aforementioned, which is why it is in the “yearly” category. These plant medicines can assist us in our ongoing healing and help us to process undigested trauma that may still be depleting our precious life energy. Not to be confused with abusive recreational use of these substances, plant spirit medicine needs to be approached with unwavering reverence, so great is their power to heal. Set and setting are the most important aspects of this type of experience. A couple days at Burning Man can be mind-blowing, but using these entheogens for healing purposes requires the proper support—a knowledgeable guide, a safe and peaceful place, an open schedule, and appropriate assistance for integration on the other side of the experience. There are many very promising studies being done on the healing potential of entheogens (click here for current data)- after a 40-year forced hiatus on research, and criminal prohibition of the use of these substances. Deep personal research and inquiry needs to be done with regards to finding the right medicine, the right guide, and the right set and setting. Support the decriminalization and rescheduling of these substances so that the research can move forward and these powerful plant allies can be made accessible to everyone who needs them.As women, we are the care-takers of the world. I once had a client who was distraught with a feeling of hopelessness at the current state of affairs. She said "Why isn't anyone asking us old ladies what to do? We are the keepers of wisdom!" And although I know this to be true, when she said it, it felt like a thunderbolt hitting me straight in the heart. The essence of the Divine Feminine is needed now more than ever. In a world thrown out of balance and polarized by the excess of Yang qualities (action, dominance, control, heat, hardness, etc.), we are now experiencing the symptoms of this excess-- in the form of cultural tension, mental and physical rigidity, rage, agitation, and manic behavior. I believe we are all (consciously or subconsciously) craving the qualities of Yin (fluid, feminine, soft, cool, etc.) to bring us back into balance. If we, as women, can't even take care of ourselves, is there really any hope of restoring balance to humanity?Return to your natural power, regain your strength, and honor your innate qualities of wisdom and nurturing. By taking good care of ourselves, we will have the fortitude to help each other. It is up to us now to find the equilibrium that we all seek. Let the rise of the truly powerful begin.
March Meditation Mini-Retreat
March 1-10, 20186-7amYoga Center of ChicoThis mini-retreat is designed for all meditators, with or without experience, and is appropriate for anyone wishing to deepen their own meditation practice, learn new techniques or practice with a group. There will be a combination of seated and walking meditation, and study of Buddhist philosophy. This course is modeled after the Vipassana 10-day silent meditation retreat and will give beginners a solid foundation upon which to build a sustainable self-practice.
Meditation Mini-Retreat, September 1-10
September mornings are my favorite mornings of the year. Still warm enough to be comfortable, and just starting to get cool. Please join me for 10 days in a row of sitting and walking meditation, Buddhist psychology and meditation technique, Taoist principles and Yogic breathing (pranayama). No experience necessary. Appropriate for total beginners, anyone looking to boost their daily practice, or to experience the powerful energy of group meditation.Pre-register online at http://yogacenterofchico.com/
Sacred Sunday Cacao Ceremony
Please join Kaycee Green and I for a blissful Guatemalan Cacao Ceremony followed by a gentle, heart opening yoga practice, chakra meditation, and Reiki group healing. We feel so blessed to bring this offering to the Chico community.Cacao is chocolate in it's purest form. It has many spiritual and physical benefits- aiding in meditation, and assisting in opening the heart center, helping facilitation a deeper connection to oneself as well as creating a magical group energy. It's no coincidence that chocolate is given as a symbol of love; a warm cup of ceremonial cacao can help to open and heal the most tender heart. Cacao is totally safe for most people, but as with anything so powerful, there are some contra-indications to be aware of. First, let's start with the benefits and how cacao actually works inside the body.(Excerpts taken from http://cacaoceremonies.com)"When you consume cacao prepared for ceremony using high quality raw cacao beans, all the mood enhancing neurochemicals in cacao become particularly active. There is increased blood flow and nutrition to the brain, heart and skin, the whole body is nourished, awareness and focus is heightened and sensations are intensified."Cacao contains the neurotransmitters serotonin, tryptophan and dopamine which assist with feelings of wellbeing, resilience to stress and anxiety and contribute to healthy motivation."It also has the neuromodulator phenylethylamine (PEA) which helps the body create feelings of excitement and euphoria. It also assists us to pay attention and stay alert. With healthy amounts of PEA we stay focused, time slows down and we are not distracted by hunger or excess stimulation from the ‘outside world’. PEA also increases the effectiveness of norepinephrine, a neurotransmitter related to joy."Anandamide is a type of lipid (oil). The word ‘ananda’ (from which this chemical was named) translates from the Sanskrit language as ‘bliss’. This naturally produced chemical (which is part of the endorphin group) is most concentrated in the body after moderate exercise – also referred to as the runners high. Anandamide results in feelings of bliss and euphoria, but also plays a vital role in moderating pain perception and the memory of pain, as well as assisting in regulating appetite and mood. Cacao contains both anandamide and anandamide re-uptake inhibitors, which are molecules that slow the break down of the anandamide. This allows the anandamide to remain longer in the brain and with it the associated blissful feelings."One of the most utilised major minerals in the body is magnesium. Magnesium assists in all metabolic processes. It helps relax all the muscles in the body and is thereby essential for the effectiveness and vigor of the pumping of the heart muscle, the management of stress and exercise recovery, the motility of the bowel, regulating the muscles pre-menstruation among many other functions. Magnesium is also utilised in almost all key functions in the brain, including those involved in memory and concentration. Cacao is the highest natural food source of magnesium."Cacao is also one of the highest sources of antioxidants. Antioxidants clear corrupt cells from the body. The specific antioxidants in cacao are Flavonoids, from the Phenolics group. Primarily, this class of antioxidants are important as they both trap free radicals and chelate redox-active metal properties. This results in a reduced risk of cells in the body, such as lipids (fats, and fats often lining the artery walls) undergoing oxidation (corruption)."The flavonoids also support clearing of the blood vessel walls, flexibility of the arteries and a thinning of the blood, all contributing to a reduction in blood pressure and build up of fatty deposits (plaques) along the artery walls, as well as a reduced load on the heart muscle."Please read the contra-indications/ conditions list below to see if Cacao Ceremony would be appropriate for you!*Fasting (take smaller dose)*Migranes (take smaller dose- Cacao contains caffeine which can aggravate migranes)*Pregnancy or breastfeeding (safe in half ceremonial dose, very commonly used in Guatemala by mothers and midwives during long or difficult labor)*Anti-depressants (USE CAUTION/ Not Recommended- Many Anti-Depressants do not mix well with the Tryptophan and MAO inhibitors in Cacao)*Heart Conditions (USE CAUTION- Cacao can increase heart rate and blood flow by up to 40%, and is a vasodilator)*Low body weight or Children (Not Recommended, or very small dose)*Chemotherapy (Not Recommended) Preparation/ What to BringPlease avoid large doses of caffeine before the ceremony and eat a light breakfast beforehand.Wear comfortable yoga clothes and a warm wrap or cozy blanket for meditation.Bring your favorite mug :)Bring water to drink during ceremonyOptional- Bring your favorite power object or meditation object. We feel so humbled to be able to share this heart expanding experience with you. Please reserve your space at http://www.yogacenterofchico.com/YCC-Workshops.html
Navigating Heartbreak and Loss
I don’t write very often. I don’t write because everything has already been said, and at least one person has said it better than I ever could. But despite the lack of original ideas and original words, and despite the fact that this particular topic has already been cooked until soggy, I am writing you today, dear readers, to talk about heartbreak. But first, let’s talk about meditation.I have a daily practice. I wake up, go to my little puja table, set my timer, sit down and say my daily meditation prayer*. Usually, the dreams from the night before will be the first morsel of distraction after having a seat, followed by a laundry list of to-do's for the day, and finally, in the last minute or two of the session, I find that my mind is obedient, still and quiet. Some days feel more successful than others, but even one or two minutes of stillness helps to set the tone for my day. And although seeing “progress” on the day to day is less obvious, all the good teachers say to be patient and the results will come. I know that it is a practice, not a destination, so I persist.Recently, I experienced a loss. Like salt on a slug, we all know this shriveling, crushing, slow-death feeling, so there’s no need to elaborate. But since meditating with some regularity in the last few years, the practice seems to have prepared my heart, mind and body in an unexpected way-- in a way that brings a new clarity to this all-too-familiar experience of loss. When I sit down in the morning and the overwhelm of sadness hits me like a wave, I can see myself grasping for reassurance, attention, or something to fill the void. I can feel the hot bile of anger rising in my throat. I can feel the teakettle of tears under pressure behind my eyes. I can feel the bass drum of dread thumping in my chest. I can feel my tender heart contracting against the reality of the moment. I can see all the ways in which I am attached, and all the ways in which I am avoiding. But instead of following through with an habitual exit strategy or distraction tactic, I'm finding that I can sit with the pain a little more easily. I'm facing my loss head on and with a sense of objectivity. Whereas, in the past, the combination of the loss itself and a lack of practiced mindfulness had absolutely obliterated my ability to see past the pain of my own experience. I used to ignorantly think that I wouldn’t be able to endure yet another heartbreak. What a delusion! What is happening now, through meditation, is what feels like a fortification of my heart. I am able to yield into the pain, rather than resist the experience of grief. Shitty little fact: It takes practice to get good at grieving.When we suffer-- from loss, trauma, heartbreak, and deep grief, it can shatter our hearts. But rather than resist and shut down, maybe we can see the pain as an opportunity to expand the capacity of our hearts. Can we use our vulnerability as an opportunity to grow? Can we learn to feel what's beneath the pain of our own experience in a way that allows us to tap into the vastness of our compassion? Can we use our grief as a way to connect more deeply to ourselves, our family, our friends, our lovers, our enemies, and our global brothers and sisters, knowing that they too are suffering? When we are able to sit with our pain, we start to open up to the possibility of healing past wounds. We are actually sitting with the pain of a million heartbreaks, endless loss, and infinite grief. Meditation during a period of loss, heartache and pain can allow us to feel more directly into our humanity, if we are willing.There seems to be a widespread misconception that meditation is an escape route, or a spiritual bypass to feeling pain. It is not. It is a way to for us to honestly see, feel, and experience the ebb and flow of life in its’ unadulterated truth. If we have the courage to look deeply enough at our own suffering, it will show us a doorway to transform pain into potential. Fear into growth, vulnerability into strength, hatred into compassion, disdain into forgiveness and grief into love. The world is suffering. Can we be wise enough to use our own experience of pain as a catalyst for peace?
*Daily MeditationMay I be truly grateful for this day before me.May I use it well and be mindful in all my thoughts, words and actions.May I gracefully accept and learn from all that I encounter.May I be compassionate and release all judgment in the face of that which does not meet my ideals.May I be still and attentive enough to receive and recognize divine guidance.
Time for Renewal
“The beautiful Spring came; and when Nature resumes her loveliness, the human soul is apt to revive also.”-Harriet Ann Jacobs
Spring is a time for renewal and regeneration. As we see the trees leaf out, the grass turn green and the wildflowers pop up we cant help but feel a little lighter of heart as we see the great potential of transformation. Life is one big transition from Birth to Death, and as bleak as that may seem, Nature reminds up that change and growth can be a beautiful thing.Just as a bear hibernates for the Winter, we may have also found ourselves to be more reflective, introspective and quiet, perhaps even isolated or reclusive. We may have felt stagnant or low at times. This is a natural way of being. In the process, we may have learned new things about ourselves, and are at a point of making change. The light exuberance of Spring can help inspire us to transform; to put into practice the wisdom we have accumulated in our darker days.Our bodies are also in need of support during this transition. Storing fats to keep us warm, perhaps being more sedentary has added to the feeling of sluggishness. We imbibe and indulge over the holidays, and as the weather cools and the days seem shorter, we typically aren’t as active as we might be in nicer weather. All of which is a natural cycle of behavior, and nothing to feel badly about.Spring is the perfect time to address our heath-- physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. There are lots of things we can do to support our bodies and minds at this time, including fasting, deep tissue/organ cleansing, massage, meditation, medicinal herbs and plant spirit medicine, skin brushing, steam/sauna/sweat lodge, salt/mineral baths and of course, yoga.Please join me to learn more about ways we can support ourselves as we emerge from our cocoons, our caves, our dark dens and enter into our brightest phase of the year. A short discussion will be followed by a long, warm, detoxifying yoga practice for all levels.Spring Healing Workshopby Cheri NealYoga Center of ChicoSunday 3/20/16Vernal Equinox11:30 am – 2:30 pm“For within your flesh, deep within the center of your being, is the undaunted, waiting, longing, all-knowing. Is the ready, able, perfect. Within you, waiting its turn to emerge, piece by piece, with the dawn of every former test of trial and blackness, is the next unfolding, the great unfurling of wings, the re-forged backbone of a true Child of Light.”― Jennifer DeLucy
Intuition
When you act from intuition, you are acting from a place of clear connection to self. When you are in clear connection to self, you are in absolute connection to the Source. Therefore when you act from intuition, you are fully supported by the Source in your actions. You cannot fail.When you act from the thinking/judging mind, you are more connected to the outcome of your actions. You are worried about what others may say or think. You are relying on external support, that you may or may not receive. You will always be wondering what the outcome would be if you had acted differently.Listen to your intuition. Act accordingly.
Meditation Mini-Retreat
Early Bird Discount~$45 before March 1st 2016Join me at the Yoga Center of Chico for 10 days of Meditation. We will be exploring different techniques and methods of meditation, including, but not limited to, seated (Zazen), guided, walking, and loving kindness (Metta) meditation. This mini-retreat is geared towards beginning meditators, meditators who need a little refresher course or anyone who would like to meditate in a group setting with some instruction.6-7 am April 1-10 at the Yoga Center of Chico.Register Here
The Big D
It’s been a while since I’ve written anything. Maintaining my blog has fallen down on the priority list as of late-- neatly wedged somewhere between getting a chihuahua and signing up for LinkedIn. The truth is, I’m just now clawing my way out of what has been a 16 month long depression. I imagine that it is the kind of depression that only privileged, affluent white people suffer from, but nonetheless, I’ve fallen ill. It’s the kind of depression that afflicts those of us who have enough time on our hands to go deep into the tar pits of our own psyche and compare our findings to those who are busily toiling away at life-- the perfect recipe for an existential crisis. It’s the kind of thing that happens when there is a high degree of internal dialogue, and there’s no better way to really turn up the volume on that noise than to bury yourself in country after country where you don’t speak the language and isolate yourself from people who speak your own. I’m writing this not as a means to receive sympathy from my droves of followers, but as a way to bring some light to a dark topic, a topic we tend to look away from.It couldn’t have been a more cliché place to become pseudo-suicidal. It was November in Paris, in a 4th story apartment, and I was chain smoking the last bits of my George Karelias from the previous month in Greece. Soaking the same tea bag, cup after cup, reading dumb old Hemingway, listening to 90’s Chicago house music, and watching a marathon of Modern Family. Ok, fine, that last part might not be so typical of a Parisian depression, but it was what I was doing when I thought, “What would it be like if I just weren’t here anymore?”.It took me all day to get showered and dressed, like I had been heavily sedated for weeks. Something about a Christmas episode set me off into a crying jag that prompted me to finally get up off the couch and into the bathroom. After taking off the 3 full day worn saggy pajamas, I looked at myself in the mirror, thoroughly disgusted with my own face, my own body and my own presence. I remember saying “Ugh. You again?”. I looked around in a half curious, not at all determined way for something sharp or something poisonous. I realized that I would have to go out of my way to off myself and I was too unmotivated to even do that. I didn’t actually want to make a bloody mess of myself, I just didn’t feel like existing anymore.Now, when I look back on it, I realize I would have had to been way more convicted and determined than I actually was if I really wanted to die in that apartment. I just don’t have the kind of resolve it takes to commit suicide. It’s the kind of thing that takes just that-- commitment. For those of you that know me, you know that lately commitment isn’t my strongest suit.I pulled myself together enough to call a friend, a friend who knows my propensity for darkness, and had a chat with him. I told him that I wasn’t getting out of bed until noon or later, had to force myself to get dressed and out of the house just to choke down a pain au chocolat as my daily bread. He confirmed my self-diagnosis saying, “Yep, that’s depression.”. I went on for some time talking about how everything is completely meaningless: “What’s the point? Is this really it? I’m not satisfied!” And he said that maybe the answer lies in actually making a commitment to something. “Something besides suicide, Cheri.”I knew this was more than just my usual existential crisis when my behavior started to affect other people. I went home for Thanksgiving and I noticed that my friends and family were thoroughly turned off by my sadness. It’s not a good look for me apparently, and it makes people very uncomfortable. Instead of tolerating my doom and gloom with a light heart, there was a now lot of avoidance, a lot of changing the subject and superficial, conversational distraction tactics. I was being treated with kid gloves, and I could tell they were just waiting on the edge of their seats for what I was going to say or do next. I noticed that denial is very prevalent when it comes to the Big D. Nobody asked me what was going on inside of me, because nobody really wants to see what’s down there in the dumps. Seeing a loved one grapple with the demon of their internal tar pits, reminds us that we, too, have a tar pit of our own to reckon with.Having said that, I think the majority of us would be kidding ourselves if we said we had never thought about escaping the endless churning of a dissatisfied heart. Or maybe, like me, fantasized about what it would be like to just not exist. Sadness, pain, grief, loneliness, purposelessness, and suffering are a part of the human experience-- one that we have very little practical skill in dealing with. We have more skill in shrouding the dark and nasty bits with rays of contrived positivity. We get spooked by anyone who openly reveals a struggle with the basic day to day existence. For me, the day to day sadness had become a pattern, the pattern became a habit and the habit of being depressed became calcified and imbedded into my personality.Before this all gets too awkward, I’ll end by saying that I realized that just because I am willing to metaphorically jump into at the bubbling, oozing black, does not mean everyone around me is ready to do the same. The more maudlin and didactic side of me is tempted to advise you to go on with your happy sunshine lives and when you are ready to meet me in the dark, I'll be here, in my pajamas, comfortable in the sticky mess. But, as luck would have it, I'm on the upswing, climbing out of the chasm one bone at a time. I’m almost there- I just need a few more footholds; commitment, service, and gratitude.
Depression and suicide are serious issues, folks. Seek help.
Lost and Found
The only place I ever got really lost while I was traveling abroad, was in Montpellier, France. It was November 1st, known as La Toussaint, or All Saints' Day and I would be leaving that morning for Barcelona. Knowing that it was a holiday, and that I hadn't booked a ticket yet, it was crucial that I leave for the station early that morning and get on the first train out, which was at 6:00am. That morning, I woke up late, wearing the same clothes that I had been wearing for the last 36 hours, hoisted the 15 kg backpack onto my shoulders, and jumped out the door. I was half asleep, half hung-over, and only half sure of where I was going. The train station was said to be about a ten minute walk from the flat and I recalled vaguely where it might be. I started walking in the direction that I thought it was, and remembered someone telling me about a "shortcut", which was to walk along the tramway. So that's what I did. Ten minutes turned into twenty, twenty into thirty, and so on. I felt like someone was adding iron weights to my backpack with every unfamiliar pass. Just shy of 6am, I had been walking for about 45 minutes and I was exhausted. I knew that I was nowhere close to the station and that I was not going to make that train. There were no people or cars or open shops anywhere in sight, just the harsh and hazy morning sun beginning to penetrate my dried and bleary eyes. I was utterly lost. I looked around, took off my pack in an act of indignant abandon, sat down next to a trash can and pondered through my tears, "What now?!".I feel lost like that again, being back in the States-- directionless and dejected on the empty streets. Nobody is pointing me in any particular direction, but I'm still carrying my heavy backpack weighted down by the memories and experiences of my past, and I'm pretty sure I missed my train somewhere way back there. I'm looking for my way, but I can't seem to see beyond the shadow of my own face. I think what I am experiencing now is the unavoidable period of let-down that comes after any mind-blowing experience; reality comes screeching in like a bird being captured and crammed back into a cage. I'm left wondering what happened to my direction, my momentum, my inspiration? The dullness begins to set in.As a longtime yoga practitioner and experienced instructor, I am well aware that there is an inevitable dullness that can come from doing the same thing over and over again. That is the nature of yoga- to repeat and repeat until the movement becomes effortless, and the effort is then turned inward towards the breath and eventually towards the mind. Unfortunately, one hindrance of repetition is that one is apt to fall victim to boredom. In the times that I see my students growing listless with the glaze of apathy towards yet another Virabhadrasana, having done it over a thousand times in the lifetime of their practice, I remind them to SOMEHOW find a sense of newness to each pose, to find a freshness in the practice-- which is much easier said than done! I find myself now chewing through the last remnants of an allegorical stale doughnut, desperately trying not to be overcome by that same sticky glaze I see creeping into the eyes of my students from time to time. I'm finding it difficult to see the novelty in each moment, especially when my eyes feel like they've been glued shut by the viscous monotony of familiarity. After all, familiarity breeds contempt, right? After this many years as a yogi, I should have the tools to pull myself out of the muck.I started waking up at 5:30am and for the first time in my life, I have taken up a consistent, if not daily, meditation practice. It's working, in so far as it's getting me up in the morning with something to focus on besides that hangnail that's been bothering me, or making elaborately frivolous to-do lists with things on it like "buy matches", "open mail" and "drink water". But instead of meditating on cultivating contentment and appreciation for my current set of circumstances (like any good yogi or meditator would do), and trying to find a sense of liveliness within the deep predictability of my life in Chico , I instead find myself hatching an escape plan. This is in itself a destructive force, because I know that any time I allow my mind to move hastily into planning, it just takes me further and further away from the present moment. It is yet another distraction from the awkward and uncomfortable reality of just sitting still. Our minds are very clever and will create any reason at all to jump up and run away. For me, practicing simply sitting through the discomfort and watching my mind making plans to "escape" has given me the opportunity to observe my desire to be somewhere else. My meditation practice has been helpful in allowing me to see that sitting still might actually be the most valuable and necessary thing for me to do right now, in order to see my path and my direction more clearly.I've come to terms with my discontentment. Rather than to resign myself to the doldrums, I've used it to create a feedback loop to help me see what in my life is working and what isn't, what inspires me and what doesn't, what is in balance and what is out of balance. The feeling of being lost, uninspired, and directionless, in the past, has been precisely what propelled me into the next phase of my life, and that unsettled feeling in my heart is a familiar indication that there are some major shifts taking place inside of me. It's uncomfortable, yes, and at times exhausting, but I'm certainly not running away from it this time. What good would that do anyway when I don't even know where I am or where I am going? So, I've decided that for now, I'll simply sit down, unload some baggage, wait for my eyes to clear up, and then get back on that train when it arrives.
"Familiarity breeds contempt, while rarity wins admiration."-Apuleius
Traveling Alone
I have been traveling by myself in Europe for exactly 8 weeks now. If I had to describe my experience in one word, I couldn't. It's been all at once exhilarating, empowering, challenging and exhausting. I haven't written in a while for a few reasons; one being that I am typing on a tiny iPhone, but moreover, I've had a million things to say and not a clue where to begin. So I guess I'll start at the obvious point; Yoga.My yoga practice has taken on a different form lately. I'm off the mat for longer than I have been in years. My yoga now is a matter of putting into practice all of the fundamentals of grounding, centering, internal focus, presence, breath work and equanimity in order to support myself in this mind-bending, heart-melting emotional stew that I've thrown myself into. As I bounce from one place to the next, I seek to find stability. With conditions constantly changing, I seek to find the center of stillness within me. Within the comfortable din of a language that I don't understand, I draw my attention inward to better understand myself. In the moments of fatigue, frustration, and overwhelming emotion, I find myself taking deeper breaths. I am using the tools of yoga to create contentment in my life now, which is a far cry from where I was 2 or even 4 months ago.It hasn't been easy in a lot of ways. I feel odd writing this, as if I should censor myself and instead paint for you a picture of quaint cobblestone alleys lined with flower merchants and cafés, magical markets stocked with fresh fruits and vegetables, heaps of olives and dates and every variety of cheese that you can imagine. The smell of sautéed garlic, lots of local fish and meat and wine found among centuries old architecture, with views of the Mediterranean just around the next corner. And maybe these are the kinds of things you want to hear, and I certainly don't blame you, it is a beautiful picture. But even as I experience the beauty of all of these things, I am simultaneously experiencing a deep loneliness, sadness, and confusion.I considered keeping this from you, perhaps as an egoic attempt to preserve the likely unrealistic picture you may have in your head about me and my journey, but I have made a commitment to the truth. I've made a commitment to be truthful in my own life, to seek the truth in others, and as a teacher, I've made the commitment to deliver truth to my students. And the truth is that I'm struggling. I'm struggling with my shyness and my insecurities, my inabilities, my ego. Sometimes all I can do is sit down and cry. I write this not as a sob story designed to gain sympathy, but to remind myself that it's ok to feel grief and frustration and pain and tiredness. And it's ok for you to see me in these perhaps unsavory states, because they are all on the psychic and emotional spectrum of a whole human being. In this truth, I remember that we are all things at all times, and those of you who really know me, know that I embody this truth.I've had more opportunity now than I ever have had before to really be with these aspects of who I am. But I see them, and I get to know them and I try to be kind to myself about them. I get lost in the streets and explore the markets by myself. I make jokes to myself about myself. I have only myself to rely on, to blame, to be with. But even in the most frustrating, exhausting and lonesome moments, I know that I'm not alone in my struggle. Because even if we are surrounded by friends and family and familiarity, we are all just trying to navigate the intricate, sometimes unintelligible maps of our own hearts and minds. And that, my friends, is not an easy journey to take.
Adho Muhka Svanasana (downward facing dog)
Here's a classic pose we all should know and love, Adho Muhka Svanasana, or Downward Facing Dog. This pose is technically an inversion which make it incredibly calming to the nervous system, but also is a strength building pose, especially when held for longer periods of time. Downward Facing Dog is like a homecoming to the seasoned practitioner, promoting a quiet mind and offering the body a chance to recover and rest in between other challenging postures or sequences. For the beginner, it brings us into awareness of our natural strength and ability, as well as shows our bodies how to cultivate more internal support, length and space within the body.Begin by coming onto the hands and knees. Spread the fingers as wide as possible, creating even space between all of the fingers. Take a deep breath in and with an exhale, lift the knees from the floor and reach the pelvis as high as possible. As you press evenly into the hands, feel the arms and the sides of the body lengthen. As you lift higher through the hips, allow the heels to reach toward the floor, elongating the backs of the legs. Do your best not to collapse in the chest or shoulders, and draw slightly in right below the navel. Breathe deeply and evenly for 3 to 5 rounds, with each breath, allowing the mind to soften.
Inversions Workshop
This workshop is designed for the beginning and intermediate practitioner to learn (or review) how to move safely in and out of inverted poses. Focus with be on building the strength and awareness necessary for inversions. Themes will include overcoming fears, restoring balance, and ultimately changing our perspective. Featured poses will be (but not limited to) Shoulderstand, Headstand, Forearm Balance and Handstand.Please join me on Saturday September 28th from 12:30 to 3pm at Earth Yoga, Santa Catalina, Palma de Mallorca, Spain.
Surya Namaskar
A quick little vid filmed at Manhanset Chapel in Shelter Island, NY. Repeat this sun salutation a few times to warm up the body before moving into your standing poses. (Turn your volume down- apologies for the sound quality!)
JFK to MAD
I just bought a one-way ticket to Spain. It’s not the first one-way ticket I’ve ever bought, but it’s the biggest. When I explain to people what I am doing, this little bit of information is the bit that gets the point across. The point being that I am really going, by myself, to foreign lands, with no return date. More often than not, the explanation of my plan (which is a term used VERY loosely) is met with joy and curiosity.In the light of my impending departure, I have been reflecting on my life and what it is that has brought me to this pivotal point in my life. At an age where most of my peers are married with children, I seemed to have dodged most typical responsibilities, other than the responsibility to my own self, my own happiness and my own freedom. This isn’t something that just happened to me, I have spent the last 5 years of my life fiercely cultivating my independence, my self-reliance and my personal sense of freedom. I have made a commitment to move through fears, and break the boundaries of societal expectations that had, in the past, been holding me back from truly living my dream.Personal freedom is a topic that very much interests me. As a practitioner of yoga and meditation, I know that the word ‘freedom’ is a conception with room for interpretation, rather than a concrete notion. To view personal freedom as a state of mind might implicate that we have the choice to view our lives as a prison, and actively participate as a prisoner, and conversely, have the choice to view our lives as a world of infinite possibilities, and actively pursue this freedom.Although, I do not believe that personal freedom and conventional American life are mutually exclusive, I do realize that I am in a very unique position to be able to do what I am doing. Most often, people tell me that I am taking “ the trip of a lifetime.” I do not take this for granted. I have come to realize, that because I have chosen to share my journey with others (via this blog), my responsibility to live life to the fullest and to savor every moment is that much greater. I would like to think that I am not traveling on some whimsical, frivolous self-indulgence, but rather traveling for the ones who may not have the practical freedoms I have been blessed with. I am now traveling for those of you who are deeply imbedded in family life, those of you who may be stuck in the grind right now, and those of you that might be ill or infirmed.It is my wish that my journey might ignite a sense of freedom in your own heart, and that you may find a little inspiration to make a leap in your own life. To find a reason to break the chains, or to release the fears of the mind that may be holding you back from taking your own “trip of a lifetime”, even if that is simply a journey deeper into your truth, to define your own sense of personal freedom.“When the body is released from the shackles of disease, and when the mind is free from the shackles of fears, then the intellect is ever alert, ever active. In this activity alone, there is creativity. In this creativity alone there is freedom. In this freedom alone, there is precision. In this precision alone, there is God. All that is truth.”-BKS Iyengar
Love Letters
Dearest Students of In Motion Fitness,I miss you. I miss your presence, your dedication to your practice, your openness. I miss your lovely smiles and glowing energy. I miss at 10:45 and I miss you at noon. I miss you at 8am for meditation and I miss you at 6:45 to get tropical. But I digress. To miss something is to be apart from something and that separateness from you that I sometimes feel is just an illusion. You are all still in my heart now and always. The imprint that you have left on my life continues to amaze me.Here in New York, I am the outsider, the new girl. Eyes full of scrutiny, hearts full of doubt and minds full of discontent fill my classes. It reminds me of the true meaning of the word “Yoga”. Yoga is not just Asana. It is a practice in finding peace. It is a way to confront the discontent in our hearts. It is a way to still the body in order to observe the mind. It is a daily practice- not just on the mat but ALWAYS. Always practice mindfulness, always practice observance, always practice compassion, contentment, loving kindness, patience and awareness.Discontent, restlessness, and judgement reflect in our bodies. It is easy to spot! On the same token, peacefulness, openness and contentment also shine through in our faces and bodies. These things become our Mudra, the physical manifestations of the heart and mind. It is my job to look at not only your bodies, postures and the nuances of alignment, but also to observe the energetic body and how your posture or Mudra reflects either the flowing or blocking of that energy. We literally ARE what we think about! Our thoughts and feelings have the power to heal us or to lead us into disease.Having said this, I want to thank you all from the depths of my heart. Thank you for putting your trust in me. Thank you for your open spirit. Thank you for allowing me to lead you for so many years. Thank you for your presence. Thank you for all of your hard work. Thank you for showing me your patience and compassion when I needed it, for showing your fellow students the same. This is YOGA!Please continue to practice yoga. Not just Asana. And remember to greet all of your teachers with the same receptivity and willingness you showed me, because they just might be the “New Girl”. Besides, malcontent doesn’t look good on anyone. ☺Love,Cheri
